Four Good Things I Have Found about Being Bipolar and Schizophrenic

August 21, 2007 by  

By Matthew Robert Payne

There seems much written by professionals on these two illnesses, there is much being spoken about at conferences by professionals on the subject and every good conference will have a consumer speak. I am a consumer who suffers from both these mental disorders and I want to give you some light into my mind and perhaps a positive spin on what seems a very sad subject for some.

The first Good thing

Because I can hear voices, I can hear God and Jesus speak to me very clearly.

Professionals call what I hear “voices” and they call them auditory hallucinations. They assume my overactive and ill mind is making up the dialogue between me and the “voice.” In all my14 years of being ill I don’t think one doctor has really believed what I am hearing is really real and that God really is speaking to me.

Though when I have done lectures people have seemed to be impressed at least as I am convincing them when I speak of the “voices” and perhaps because the people I address are total strangers they are more open.

Doctors would say mediums and Clairvoyants are mentally ill but people who visit them certainly don’t hold that view and many people seemed put at peace and given much hope from people that seemed to know all about them and yet they are total strangers.

I run a prophetic web-site where I give people personal messages from God for free. From some of the wonderful feedback I have received I know something impossible is happening, my “voice” seems to be very accurate in talking to people about their lives and their current situations.

I can meet people in the street and tell them good character traits that they have and give the encouragement in areas where they are currently struggling and they will listen kind of glued to what I am saying until I am finished and their friends will all be nodding that what has been said is so true.

I once had a workshop with ten pharmacy students telling them about my illness and I told them I would test my “voice” on them and said that I would say one positive character trait about each of them and they could have the opportunity to say if I was right or not. I started around and by half way you could tell it was like some party novelty trick and they were all converts to my uncanny knack of picking them, and my so called ESP. At the end, when I had picked ten out of ten, ten different traits a different one in each, I asked them if in their opinion should I stop listening to the “voice” that told me that information and I got a resounding NO!

What you may think you are medicating might really be God.

Let me also say, many Schizophrenics in my travels have opened up to me and told me the things their voices were saying to them and their voices were nasty and saying very ugly things to the people. When doctors think these people are saying these nasty things to themselves they are kidding themselves. I am not an idiot and I know what a demon is.

One time I asked a friend of mine who was Wiccan and wearing black to confirm she had an interest in the “dark side”, if she was interested in knowing more about Jesus. She readily agreed to meet and talk with her mother and my mother present. I told everyone I knew she had a friend in her mind that spoke to her and I asked her if I could ask her friend three questions. She agreed and with the help of my “voice” I asked her three questions that she was to put to her “voice” and then with the help of God I discussed with her that each of the answers of her friend in her mind was an outright lie. Before long she was telling her friend she never wanted to speak to him anymore.

“Voices” are real.

The second good thing…

I have big dreams and a mind that can handle them.

As a bipolar I can have visions of grandeur. I have don’t have the same limitation on the mind that many people have. I can for instance believe that I could write a film script good enough for a movie to be made and to make me famous. They say that the line between genius and being crazy is a thin one. I believe that when they say that they are speaking of bipolar people. Many famous creators and people who did huge things in the history of the world were bipolar.

To think you could speak through thin air between two cities is what one inventor thought and he was locked up for that thought. Telling people that you could write three films and radically turn around some of the world’s worst problems has me being labeled a person with visions of grandeur and yet when I write the three films and talk a producer into shooting them and releasing them to the world I will be hailed a genius!

Bipolar people think big and when they are not deluded and yet have just been so out of the square and creative and see their creation come to pass the whole of society is better for it.

Some people think atomic science is genius. But now the Nuclear bomb is the most feared weapon in the world? Who is the genius, the person who split the atom or the people that made that bomb that the USA dropped on civilians in a war they couldn’t win and ever since have feared some people might do it back to them?

Yes one Internet site, a few films and a few books could transform the world and I have got the insight, the wisdom and a mind that could do all of them. You call me ill and yet a dreamer in the Bible called Joseph saved the whole of Egypt in a severe famine and his family which became the Jewish people we know today.

Another crazy man, Moses, went to the leader of Egypt and set free millions of slaves and dropped ten plagues that modern man doesn’t want to even admit really happened.

I love my Bipolar visions of grandeur. I take my medication but I dream bigger than most and I have the ability to write those books, those films and that internet site.

The third good thing

I hear positive messages that guide me through many sources.

On my first hospital admission the doctor taking me up in the lift was asking me if I was getting any messages from television.

I told him that “A certain shampoo has pro vitamins that do you a lot of good and you can’t see them but they are in there.”

One of the police escorting me cracked a smile.

“And oh, if you have Décoré shampoo you have a better sex life.” ( The advertisement was a very sexy on TV)

“Oh and if you give a girl a Maccona coffee at your home on a date she will know you are a man of distinction and she will most probably stay the night with you” (The ad was saying Macconna made you a man of class and suggestive that it was the coffee invitation that was most likely to lead to sex)

The two police were laughing so hard they kind of didn’t want to lock me up anymore.

At the time, I had no clue what the doctor was asking me. Now I know what they were talking about and I do get special messages from the radio and television.

It’s not an illness though people who suffer with my illness can have their voices saying things that cause them distress. People who have no illness can have the same thing happen to them.

Let me just go through a few with you so you can get some insight

Once I dreamed that my former wife and her new husband came around to my place and the husband said that God had told him he was wrong to marry my wife and that she was back to move in with me. He then brought my son inside and left my wife and son with me. The dream ended as my clock radio woke me up and the lyrics of the song playing said, “ Don’t give up on your faith, love comes to those who believe.”

I took the song as a promise from God that one day my wife might return. I also took the song’s advice to focus on my faith and not give up on my faith but to obey God in all He asks me to do. Later that day God asked me to throw out a novel that I had written ten years before and was getting ready to self publish. The song played in my ears as a memory and I threw the novel out. I rang my mother, a very spiritual person and told her I threw the novel out and she cried and told me it was an answer to her prayers as the novel had a lot of “darkness” in it and was not good to publish.

Can you see how one line in a song gave me hope and confirmed a dream that my wife may one day come back, then the same line in the song gave me direction and hope for a future when I had to make a hard decision to throw a “dark” novel out, a decision that was an unvoiced wish of my mother.

Just imagine:

A young girl is thinking about her lover, as she feels he isn’t respecting her and treating her with the honor she is due, and then a song plays on the radio that says, “You have to love your way through to the hard hearted and not weep but change them with your love.” Suddenly the girl stops her pity party and goes back and loves her man even more. She got a message of the radio too, but no one calls her ill!

Here is another

One day I was walking down the street with my whole life’s worries on my shoulders and a bus went past with a big advertisement on the back, “Take one day at a time, use such and such”

The take one day at a time pert of the advertisement really blessed me and I stopped worrying about a future that might not happen and as I was settled the words of Jesus in the Bible came to my mind, via my thought/ “voice” which said. “Take no thought for tomorrow for today has enough worries of its own.”

I was suddenly free of anxiety and worry.

Would you take that form of communication away from me? Well your medication tries to do it but it doesn’t stop it.

The fourth good thing

I see many wonderful things most people don’t.

I see angels dancing in my church each week. I have seen Jesus 45 times and have been to heaven five times. I have seen things that have blessed my heart so much. I have even seen hell. Doctors call these experiences hallucinations. In Christian circles we call them visions.

One day I am going to get a Digital camera and tell the world a detailed account of all these encounters and then going to make it into a DVD and have people transcribe it into a book and many thousands possibly millions will be blessed and encouraged in their faith through it.

I have met Michael the archangel four times in visions, Gabriel three times, the prophet Daniel once, the man Joseph once, I have met many of the saints in Heaven in visions.

I have met God in heaven and conversed with Him. My faith is not blind faith I have eyes where I can see things within my mind like a movie playing in there but it’s a real person standing in front of me or an angel. It’s a blast, and I wish other people could see like me.

I have prayed for people and God has opened their spiritual sight like me and they haven’t been mentally ill. They have been able to tell me the color of Jesus’ robe he had on and the sash and anything he had in his hands and I was able to confirm they were seeing it right. You should see a Christian person’s faith jump through the roof when they can see Jesus Christ standing right in front of them and speaking to them through my mouth.

Is your medication going to stop these visions? No

The “dark side” (i.e Lucifer and his fallen angels) give people visions( What you call hallucinations) also and these are very ugly and dark to hear about. A person needs more then a pill to stop these from occurring.

I am on a disability pension and on medication until the Lord Jesus tells me to stop taking it, but if you are a Christian I encourage you to have your loved one who has one of my illnesses to read this document.

I hope you learned something. It was a pleasure addressing you and I would be happy to email you and answer questions.


This article was not written to convince doctors in mental health that God and Satan exist, as they cling to their knowledge, science and lack of belief in all things spiritual, it was written to victims of mental illness, and Christian’s who suffer or care for the mentally ill.

I have been ill for sixteen years and I know quite a lot about the Bible, and one thing I know is that Christian church does not seem to understand mental illness as well as they should. Often times a person who suffers from voices can be introduced to Jesus and his gentle, quite and reassuring voice can soothe the suffering that comes from demons speaking awful things to you. I am a prophet and each week the pastor of our church allows me to address the whole church during worship time with a short encouraging message from God via my “voice”. I am stable on medication but the doctors in mental health that I have encountered really have not much insight into the sources of voices and the reality of real visions. They would say the book of Revelation was a hallucination and yet as Christians we all know it was a vision.

We all break down for a reason yet I find it most interesting that in my sixteen years in the system of mental health that not one professional has ever talked about my core issues and the reason I had my first breakdown, nor have they been interested.

God bless you

Matthew is one of two people that operate a site at Escape ministries is a place where people can be ministered to over the internet, by reading articles, watching videos and receiving personal prophetic words. James and Matthew invite you to visit today to look at some of the articles they have collected and watch some of the video teachings they are setting about to produce for you. You are encouraged to sign up for our monthly newsletter or simply email James or Matthew with any of your comments. We hope that you might bookmark it and come back to visit often as we pursue our mission statement that is found on our home page.

You can visit and view their video’s live at youtube by going direct to

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Multiple Sclerosis and My First Symptoms

August 21, 2007 by  

By Jon Wegner

I would like to say first that I’m not a doctor so I don’t know all the technical words for what I describe in the following paragraphs. But I speak in layman’s terms that I think most people understand. I have secondary progressive multiple sclerosis and as I sit here I’ve been thinking what my life is going to be like in a year, five years and 10 years from now? I’m 49 years old and I suppose I’m getting set in my ways. My MS is only going to get worse. That’s not a very cheerful thought but I try to never feel sorry for myself. I was dealt this hand of cards and I have to deal with it the only way that I know how, with laughter and a never say die attitude! I was diagnosed in 1991 but now that I know what the symptoms of MS are I can easily trace it back to 1980 and maybe even earlier. It’s ironic but I managed health clubs in southern Minnesota from 1980 until May of 1987. It’s ironic because I used to be able to run a couple of miles per day and also bicycle 20 miles the same day. Now I can hardly get out of bed and when I do I’m reaching for my electric scooter or my walker.

The first symptom that I clearly remember is from 1980. Obviously, I didn’t know it was a symptom back then but I do now. I was working at a racquetball club in my hometown of Rochester, MN. I remember sitting in the whirlpool after work or working out and when I got out of the whirlpool I would feel strange. I thought I just didn’t like the hot water because the whirlpools were at least 105 degrees. I couldn’t explain the feelings then and I can’t explain them now but I just didn’t feel right! I was sort of lightheaded, a little dizzy, and sort of wobbly. Thinking back now I was at the clubs for almost 7 years and I bet I wasn’t in the whirlpools more than six times! I also remember having that feeling when I sat in the saunas or the tanning beds. Now I know that it was the beginning of my sensitivity to heat. When I think back I can’t believe that my MS was in my body just waiting to get out. I did a lot of activities in the 80’s that made me warm and I always drank extra beer and blew it off that I just didn’t like heat! Who would ever imagine that it was multiple sclerosis? I know I didn’t.

The second noticeable symptom that I had was fatigue or tiredness which is still a major problem for me today. I worked hard in the early 90’s trying to get my carpet cleaning business going. I would clean a restaurant’s carpets at night and then I would get up and do the marketing the next morning! I used to come home at lunchtime and I can remember lying down on my floor by my TV set and dosing off. I always laid by my TV set because I didn’t have a remote control for channel changing. I had to do it manually. I guess this was the ice ages for TV! lol Then I would wake up after 10 minutes, collect myself and then head back to my office! I did this every day. I learned how to country western dance in October of 1989. I didn’t clean carpets too much on the weekends so when the weekends came I wanted to save my energy for dancing! Again, I would take it easy during the days for dancing and drinking during the night! I would just lie around waiting for 7pm to get there. Again, I would lie in front of my TV dozing on and off all day. I thought I was kind of lazy but I worked hard during the week. In 1990 I was 32 years old and I thought I could spend the weekends any way I like to! In the summer I always explained it to myself as simply not liking the hot weather which in hindsight was true.

The third major symptom that I noticed at this time was the most compelling and I knew something wasn’t right but I didn’t know what. Back in 1990 I jogged two miles everyday. I always ran the same route from my apartment around my neighborhood. I did this year round in all seasons. Anyway, each time I ran at the very same spot my right eye would cloud over! It was like someone had a piece of shrink wrap over it. I could still see out of the eye but it was annoying and I wondered what it could be. I never got too excited about it because after coming back to my apartment and cooling down it would clear up. It was weird and I was a little scared but I didn’t have the time or the money to visit a doctor! I jogged everyday and this would happen everyday. Eventually, after a year of this I made it to an optician who made my prescription stronger but that had nothing to do with the clouding over. I know now that optic neuritis occurs when the optic nerve, the pathway that transmits visual information to the brain, becomes inflamed and the myelin sheath becomes damaged or is destroyed. After learning that I had MS I figured when I ran my body was heating up and affecting that optic nerve. After cooling down the nerve would go back to normal and my eyesight would return.

To answer my question from the first paragraph I think my disease will progress over the next ten years. I know that I’ve gotten worse in the past year. I now rely on my scooter to get anywhere when I go outdoors and the heat really seams to bug me worse. I now have my apartment set up so I can ride my scooter in every room including the laundry room, that bathroom and my tiny bedroom. That’s nice and a load off my mind! As far as work goes I have my two insurance agents, a mortgage company and a carpet cleaning company that I do telemarketing for. They pay well I can do the work in my apartment sitting on my backside. I’m also trying to sell my e-book online and that should start moving now! My life is still GOOD!

Jon Wegner is a resident of Fargo, ND. He’s lived there for three years after being a lifelong Minnesota resident. Jon’s young son lives close by and the reason he moved there. Jon’s ebook and website can be found at To subscribe to Jon’s newsletter go to

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Independence With Reading and Writing Aids

March 19, 2007 by  

By Michael Russell

If you have Multiple Sclerosis, you without a doubt have at least some occasional bouts of low vision. It is rare for anyone with Multiple Sclerosis to escape this often-terrifying limitation. An encounter with vision problems of some sort is usually what signals a problem that begins the journey into a sometimes-tedious ordeal of a diagnosis of MS. Seemingly simple symptoms such as blurred or double vision, floaters and a dimming of or loss of color recognition can more than just disrupt your life. It can leave you feeling like a helpless victim, unprepared and very frightened.

Suddenly, your lifetime enjoyment in jotting notes and letters to friends and loved ones and reading your morning paper or a book every now and then, just became more complicated – even impossible and these are just the things you look forward to doing. Just think about how dependent we are on our eyesight. Because we can see, we don’t bump into walls and other obstacles. There are traffic and street signs with particular colors that are important for us to be able to not only see but also recognize for the safety of others and ourselves.

Many of these MS-related symptoms are considered minor and are usually temporary. Compared to the more serious symptomatic vision problems that could occur with MS, these tend to come and go with episodes triggered by excessive stress and or high temperatures due to weather, hot tubs, showers or saunas. Though minor, their arrival can cause confusion and sometimes even safety issues. This precarious situation is not altogether impossible to deal with. With a little help from specialized low-vision aids, you can maintain that precious independence of reading and writing. Yes, even during those low-vision periods you can read that morning paper or treat yourself to a new magazine.

There is an ongoing list of aids geared specifically for low vision problems due to symptoms from Multiple Sclerosis or other eye diseases or disability. Below is a partial list of companies that carry magnifiers (small and full page size), kitchen aids (measuring utensils), talking aids (clocks, calculators, scales, prescription bottle identifiers), writing guides, dimensional paint and large print recreational items like cards and dominoes for a start.

Since there can be wide differences among those with Multiple Sclerosis, only you can be the judge of what you need. Sit down with a friend and make a customized list of the limitations that are unique to you. Then add what you think would make the specific limitation easier. Don’t try to do this quickly. Take a week and make a project of it. You want it to be an accurate picture of your needs. Now, with that information as your tool, begin to look around for the type of “low vision” aid you need in the marketplace. It probably exists. Just keep at it until you find it. Don’t just stop living because of a low vision limitation. Taking advantage of the available living aids is one big productive step around a limitation. Many times, you have to work to keep what you have. Just remember how important seeing is to you and let it propel you ahead to find what you need.

Michael Russell Your Independent guide to Multiple Sclerosis

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‘I want to be a voice’

May 4, 2006 by  

The voices made him to do it.

One blistering sub-zero January night Bill MacPhee went wandering naked on a four-lane highway against speeding traffic, convinced he was Christ. When police picked him up and took him to the local psychiatric ward, he thought they were ancient Romans, taking him away to be crucified.

“That’s what it’s like to be mentally ill. When you’re psychotic, you don’t realize you’re sick because you’ve split from reality. You don’t respond to logic because your reality has its own logic,”said MacPhee, a leading mental health advocate and founding publisher of Schizophrenia Digest.


In January, he launched an ambitious new advocacy campaign called “Minds for Action” with three objectives: To help the 300,000 Canadians with schizophrenia get better access to effective medication, to improve job training, and to promote a national mental health strategy.

It is “unethical and inhumane” for governments to restrict the prescribing of a new drug, Risperadal CONSTA, to patients until they have failed on older drugs, which can cause permanent facial disfigurement, he said.

“I want to be a voice for the underdog, for those who cannot speak for themselves. We all deserve a home, a friend and a job, but without treatment that can’t happen.”

[MORE: – Canada – ‘I want to be a voice’]

NOTE: Schizophrenic Digest Link

Triptych 06: You’re Gonna Miss Me GFT review

May 3, 2006 by  

First premiered at SXSW in 2005, You’re Gonna Miss Me tells the story of rock visionary Roky Erickson, who was the front man of 60s psychedelic rock band 13th Floor Elevators.

The band became notorious for their fondness of drugs such as cannabis and LSD and Roky was subsequently arrested for possession of cannabis in 1969. To avoid a prison term, Roky pleaded insanity and was sentenced to a mental hospital for the criminally insane. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia in Rusk State Hospital where he stayed for three and a half years.

Following his release in 1973, Roky came out crazier than when he went in. With a head full of devils and aliens, Roky went on to form a new band, Roky Erickson and the Aliens. ….

[MORE: icScotland – Triptych 06: You’re Gonna Miss Me GFT review]

Insights into mental illness from a poet with schizophrenia and her psychiatrist twin sister

May 3, 2006 by  

Divided Minds: Twin Sisters and Their Journey Through Schizophrenia by Pamela Spiro Wagner ’75 and Carolyn S. Spiro ’74 (St. Martin’s Press).

The day John F. Kennedy was assassinated became a splitting point in the lives of twin sisters Carolyn Spiro and Pamela Spiro Wagner. When word spread through their sixth-grade classrooms that Kennedy had been shot, Spiro couldn’t understand why the adults were so upset. Wagner, however, began hearing voices whose meaning she gradually deciphered: she had helped kill the president. …

[MORE: BAM: Double Vision, Arts and Culture, May/June 2006]

County tries to cope with its mentally ill

May 2, 2006 by  

WHITTIER – Delia Rodriguez can see dead people.

A dead man wanders a local park in a dark suit and smiles at Rodriguez.

Another walks the park dragging his feet, and she feels an evil presence when she sees him.

“Spirits started following me when I was in college and it doesn’t go away,” said Rodriguez, 35. “I thought maybe if I talk to these dead people and find out what they want, they’ll go away.”

Rodriguez said she has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and is receiving treatment through Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health’s Telecare Corp. Homeless Outreach Program in Norwalk.

[ MORE: Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center]

Dealing with schizophrenia

April 25, 2006 by  

Collins — a daughter, a sister and a social worker — wants you to know a few things about mental illness:

— You can get better.
— You can be successful.
— You can make up for the years you lost.

Collins, 47, lost about 20 of them.

As a senior in high school, she went from being an honor student to flunking out. She had trouble concentrating and organizing her thoughts.

[MORE: Lake Sun Leader – Dealing with schizophrenia]

Man In Everest Challenge To Fight Mental Illness Stigma

March 16, 2006 by  

By Rosamond Hutt, Community Newswire
ADVENTURE Everest Dorset, 2006-03-14 16:18:59.0

A Dorset man was today preparing for the first stages of an epic challenge to become the first person to climb Mount Everest while battling severe mental illness.

Stuart Baker-Brown, who was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia in 1996, plans to scale the world’s tallest peak in April next year.

The 41-year-old, from Cerne Abbas, is due to begin his preparation for the 8,848m Everest ascent with a five-week expedition to climb Mera Peak, a 6,500m mountain in Nepal, on March 20.

In addition to the physical challenges of climbing in the Himalayas such as altitude sickness and bitter weather, Mr Baker-Brown will also have to cope with the mental strain of paranoid schizophrenia.

Through his Everest expedition Mr Baker-Brown is aiming to send a message of encouragement to the estimated 250,000 Britons diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and to fight the stigma of severe mental illness.

Mr Baker-Brown said: “For too long those who have suffered with schizophrenia and severe mental illness have been unfairly associated with violence and fear.

“I want to help people better understand mental illness, show them we are human beings who need to be treated normally in order make our challenge to live easier.

“I believe that my climb to the top of Mount Everest can only help to dispel these fears.”

News of Mr Baker-Brown’s progress can be followed through his expedition website at



© Thu Mar 16 06:16:26 GMT 2006 The Press Association

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NOTE: The contents in this blog are for informational purposes only, and should not be construed as medical advice, diagnosis, treatment or a substitute for professional care. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health professional before making changes to any existing treatment or program. Some of the information presented in this blog may already be out of date.