Four Good Things I Have Found about Being Bipolar and Schizophrenic

August 21, 2007 by  

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By Matthew Robert Payne

There seems much written by professionals on these two illnesses, there is much being spoken about at conferences by professionals on the subject and every good conference will have a consumer speak. I am a consumer who suffers from both these mental disorders and I want to give you some light into my mind and perhaps a positive spin on what seems a very sad subject for some.

The first Good thing

Because I can hear voices, I can hear God and Jesus speak to me very clearly.

Professionals call what I hear “voices” and they call them auditory hallucinations. They assume my overactive and ill mind is making up the dialogue between me and the “voice.” In all my14 years of being ill I don’t think one doctor has really believed what I am hearing is really real and that God really is speaking to me.

Though when I have done lectures people have seemed to be impressed at least as I am convincing them when I speak of the “voices” and perhaps because the people I address are total strangers they are more open.

Doctors would say mediums and Clairvoyants are mentally ill but people who visit them certainly don’t hold that view and many people seemed put at peace and given much hope from people that seemed to know all about them and yet they are total strangers.

I run a prophetic web-site where I give people personal messages from God for free. From some of the wonderful feedback I have received I know something impossible is happening, my “voice” seems to be very accurate in talking to people about their lives and their current situations.

I can meet people in the street and tell them good character traits that they have and give the encouragement in areas where they are currently struggling and they will listen kind of glued to what I am saying until I am finished and their friends will all be nodding that what has been said is so true.

I once had a workshop with ten pharmacy students telling them about my illness and I told them I would test my “voice” on them and said that I would say one positive character trait about each of them and they could have the opportunity to say if I was right or not. I started around and by half way you could tell it was like some party novelty trick and they were all converts to my uncanny knack of picking them, and my so called ESP. At the end, when I had picked ten out of ten, ten different traits a different one in each, I asked them if in their opinion should I stop listening to the “voice” that told me that information and I got a resounding NO!

What you may think you are medicating might really be God.

Let me also say, many Schizophrenics in my travels have opened up to me and told me the things their voices were saying to them and their voices were nasty and saying very ugly things to the people. When doctors think these people are saying these nasty things to themselves they are kidding themselves. I am not an idiot and I know what a demon is.

One time I asked a friend of mine who was Wiccan and wearing black to confirm she had an interest in the “dark side”, if she was interested in knowing more about Jesus. She readily agreed to meet and talk with her mother and my mother present. I told everyone I knew she had a friend in her mind that spoke to her and I asked her if I could ask her friend three questions. She agreed and with the help of my “voice” I asked her three questions that she was to put to her “voice” and then with the help of God I discussed with her that each of the answers of her friend in her mind was an outright lie. Before long she was telling her friend she never wanted to speak to him anymore.

“Voices” are real.

The second good thing…

I have big dreams and a mind that can handle them.

As a bipolar I can have visions of grandeur. I have don’t have the same limitation on the mind that many people have. I can for instance believe that I could write a film script good enough for a movie to be made and to make me famous. They say that the line between genius and being crazy is a thin one. I believe that when they say that they are speaking of bipolar people. Many famous creators and people who did huge things in the history of the world were bipolar.

To think you could speak through thin air between two cities is what one inventor thought and he was locked up for that thought. Telling people that you could write three films and radically turn around some of the world’s worst problems has me being labeled a person with visions of grandeur and yet when I write the three films and talk a producer into shooting them and releasing them to the world I will be hailed a genius!

Bipolar people think big and when they are not deluded and yet have just been so out of the square and creative and see their creation come to pass the whole of society is better for it.

Some people think atomic science is genius. But now the Nuclear bomb is the most feared weapon in the world? Who is the genius, the person who split the atom or the people that made that bomb that the USA dropped on civilians in a war they couldn’t win and ever since have feared some people might do it back to them?

Yes one Internet site, a few films and a few books could transform the world and I have got the insight, the wisdom and a mind that could do all of them. You call me ill and yet a dreamer in the Bible called Joseph saved the whole of Egypt in a severe famine and his family which became the Jewish people we know today.

Another crazy man, Moses, went to the leader of Egypt and set free millions of slaves and dropped ten plagues that modern man doesn’t want to even admit really happened.

I love my Bipolar visions of grandeur. I take my medication but I dream bigger than most and I have the ability to write those books, those films and that internet site.

The third good thing

I hear positive messages that guide me through many sources.

On my first hospital admission the doctor taking me up in the lift was asking me if I was getting any messages from television.

I told him that “A certain shampoo has pro vitamins that do you a lot of good and you can’t see them but they are in there.”

One of the police escorting me cracked a smile.

“And oh, if you have Décoré shampoo you have a better sex life.” ( The advertisement was a very sexy on TV)

“Oh and if you give a girl a Maccona coffee at your home on a date she will know you are a man of distinction and she will most probably stay the night with you” (The ad was saying Macconna made you a man of class and suggestive that it was the coffee invitation that was most likely to lead to sex)

The two police were laughing so hard they kind of didn’t want to lock me up anymore.

At the time, I had no clue what the doctor was asking me. Now I know what they were talking about and I do get special messages from the radio and television.

It’s not an illness though people who suffer with my illness can have their voices saying things that cause them distress. People who have no illness can have the same thing happen to them.

Let me just go through a few with you so you can get some insight

Once I dreamed that my former wife and her new husband came around to my place and the husband said that God had told him he was wrong to marry my wife and that she was back to move in with me. He then brought my son inside and left my wife and son with me. The dream ended as my clock radio woke me up and the lyrics of the song playing said, “ Don’t give up on your faith, love comes to those who believe.”

I took the song as a promise from God that one day my wife might return. I also took the song’s advice to focus on my faith and not give up on my faith but to obey God in all He asks me to do. Later that day God asked me to throw out a novel that I had written ten years before and was getting ready to self publish. The song played in my ears as a memory and I threw the novel out. I rang my mother, a very spiritual person and told her I threw the novel out and she cried and told me it was an answer to her prayers as the novel had a lot of “darkness” in it and was not good to publish.

Can you see how one line in a song gave me hope and confirmed a dream that my wife may one day come back, then the same line in the song gave me direction and hope for a future when I had to make a hard decision to throw a “dark” novel out, a decision that was an unvoiced wish of my mother.

Just imagine:

A young girl is thinking about her lover, as she feels he isn’t respecting her and treating her with the honor she is due, and then a song plays on the radio that says, “You have to love your way through to the hard hearted and not weep but change them with your love.” Suddenly the girl stops her pity party and goes back and loves her man even more. She got a message of the radio too, but no one calls her ill!

Here is another

One day I was walking down the street with my whole life’s worries on my shoulders and a bus went past with a big advertisement on the back, “Take one day at a time, use such and such”

The take one day at a time pert of the advertisement really blessed me and I stopped worrying about a future that might not happen and as I was settled the words of Jesus in the Bible came to my mind, via my thought/ “voice” which said. “Take no thought for tomorrow for today has enough worries of its own.”

I was suddenly free of anxiety and worry.

Would you take that form of communication away from me? Well your medication tries to do it but it doesn’t stop it.

The fourth good thing

I see many wonderful things most people don’t.

I see angels dancing in my church each week. I have seen Jesus 45 times and have been to heaven five times. I have seen things that have blessed my heart so much. I have even seen hell. Doctors call these experiences hallucinations. In Christian circles we call them visions.

One day I am going to get a Digital camera and tell the world a detailed account of all these encounters and then going to make it into a DVD and have people transcribe it into a book and many thousands possibly millions will be blessed and encouraged in their faith through it.

I have met Michael the archangel four times in visions, Gabriel three times, the prophet Daniel once, the man Joseph once, I have met many of the saints in Heaven in visions.

I have met God in heaven and conversed with Him. My faith is not blind faith I have eyes where I can see things within my mind like a movie playing in there but it’s a real person standing in front of me or an angel. It’s a blast, and I wish other people could see like me.

I have prayed for people and God has opened their spiritual sight like me and they haven’t been mentally ill. They have been able to tell me the color of Jesus’ robe he had on and the sash and anything he had in his hands and I was able to confirm they were seeing it right. You should see a Christian person’s faith jump through the roof when they can see Jesus Christ standing right in front of them and speaking to them through my mouth.

Is your medication going to stop these visions? No

The “dark side” (i.e Lucifer and his fallen angels) give people visions( What you call hallucinations) also and these are very ugly and dark to hear about. A person needs more then a pill to stop these from occurring.

I am on a disability pension and on medication until the Lord Jesus tells me to stop taking it, but if you are a Christian I encourage you to have your loved one who has one of my illnesses to read this document.

I hope you learned something. It was a pleasure addressing you and I would be happy to email you and answer questions.


This article was not written to convince doctors in mental health that God and Satan exist, as they cling to their knowledge, science and lack of belief in all things spiritual, it was written to victims of mental illness, and Christian’s who suffer or care for the mentally ill.

I have been ill for sixteen years and I know quite a lot about the Bible, and one thing I know is that Christian church does not seem to understand mental illness as well as they should. Often times a person who suffers from voices can be introduced to Jesus and his gentle, quite and reassuring voice can soothe the suffering that comes from demons speaking awful things to you. I am a prophet and each week the pastor of our church allows me to address the whole church during worship time with a short encouraging message from God via my “voice”. I am stable on medication but the doctors in mental health that I have encountered really have not much insight into the sources of voices and the reality of real visions. They would say the book of Revelation was a hallucination and yet as Christians we all know it was a vision.

We all break down for a reason yet I find it most interesting that in my sixteen years in the system of mental health that not one professional has ever talked about my core issues and the reason I had my first breakdown, nor have they been interested.

God bless you

Matthew is one of two people that operate a site at Escape ministries is a place where people can be ministered to over the internet, by reading articles, watching videos and receiving personal prophetic words. James and Matthew invite you to visit today to look at some of the articles they have collected and watch some of the video teachings they are setting about to produce for you. You are encouraged to sign up for our monthly newsletter or simply email James or Matthew with any of your comments. We hope that you might bookmark it and come back to visit often as we pursue our mission statement that is found on our home page.

You can visit and view their video’s live at youtube by going direct to

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