Christian Faith, Bipolar Disorder, and Schizophrenia; Part Two

December 19, 2006 by  

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By Matthew Robert Payne

If you have read part one you have already ready read five pages of the things I had to write about tonight. I am not sure how other people write. I write from the heart, and so I do not do a lot of study, even when I write a teaching from the scriptures, I write and use scriptures that I know. I’d like to think in my articles I would say the same things if I was speaking to you face to face.

My life keeps me quite lonely. I am happy to say I have made a couple of friends through my articles, one Bipolar man overseas that might collaborate on designing a website with me, and another Bipolar girl in my own city who is going to become a café latte coffee friend and someone to chat to on the phone. Both were touched by my articles and so for fellow Bipolars and the people who love them I spend another night up typing.

So how do I write five pages without editing except for my proofreader?

Just like this. I sit down and start speaking by using my hands on a keyboard. I have a radio playing favourite hits from the last 20 years and my brain clicking and thoughts tumbling out and putting sentences together and they come out onto the screen at roughly 25 words a minute. I am hopeless at spelling and grammar and not even spell-check can fix my problems, but my proofreader can do wonders with what I write. Perhaps if you have not any confidence in your writing you might find yourself a proofreader and put something down on paper. I am so pleased to have my proofreader. He is a good friend and he loves to read what I have to write and guess what? He is Bipolar also!! Lol

When you live with a living God and you know that God sees everything you are doing and you have been loved by Him like I have, then you have confidence to share your warts and all truth. When you have no fear of truth coming out, you can simply sit down and write from the heart. When you write the truth from your heart, on many occasions the Holy Spirit can use what you have written. Many times in conversation with people, they say, “that’s amazing that you are saying that, I was only reading that yesterday and wanted to know the answer to that and look tonight you have told me.”

When you write from the heart, rather then write from much study, so much more is left up to pure inspiration and with inspiration the Holy Spirit gets a chance to place sentences into your mind. When you’re crafting a sentence the same can be true but it comes more from your mind then from your spirit. Writing from your heart and speaking from your heart is speaking from where your spirit resides. And there the first page is gone already!

Writing a warning from God to a nation.

When Jesus told me to write to the nation of the USA with a last day’s message it was around 12.30am in the morning. Little did I know it would be forty five pages long!

As they only allow a maximum of five pages online here in each article it would have to go to nine articles. I have not yet done that and made it nine articles.

So what can you do when the Holy Spirit directs you to do something like that?

You obey.

I have only read it twice. I had a friend edit it a little for me, taking out some of my bias out of the message. I had it on a website and had 1500 read it and have only had 3 people write to me. I don’t know how many people read all of it but 1500 people in this last year since December 2005 have read it. I’d like to put it on another website one day and advertise it.

Am I mad to write a prophetic message from God? Well no. It took some guts to write it. Since I wrote it I have read a couple of confirmations of it. God is angry with the moral decay of the West and the lukewarm Christianity that exists today. He is angry with the half hearted Christian life that is a life of taking from Him rather then a life of full time service. He is upset with the average Christian not leading anyone to the faith and not even sharing their faith.

On sharing your faith, an excellent book and the very best book I have read is “Share Jesus without fear, by William Fay.”

As an evangelist/prophetic person I value when an evangelist speaks. William says close to 90% of conversions to the Christian faith come from one on one encounters with a Christian and another person. In his book he shares a tried and proven method of doing one on one Gospel presentations of which he has done 25,000 himself. He is more than qualified.

No one taught me to prophesy, no one taught me how to use my gift of prophecy to evangelise people, well that’s if you don’t call the Holy Spirit a person lol. Yes I have been many things simply through the Holy Spirit and when I prophesy to a person or to a whole nation isn’t that the self same Holy Spirit that must bring the message?

Being delivered from demons…having demons speak to you…having a demon pretend to be the Holy Spirit and tell you lies and direct you to do things that you assume are God telling you to do.

I suggest every person who knows a person gifted in deliverance get themselves checked out by that person. A person can be full of pride and not have a demon of pride, yet sometimes they do. Humility is the answer to pride but being humble is hard to be when you are full of pride. Even with a low self esteem I struggle with pride.

Having demons speak to you.

You cannot speak to another person on earth through telepathy. This may upset some of you who currently do so and this may even hurt you more, but I am going to say it. If you think you are currently speaking to a known celebrity or some famous person on earth, ask them for their mobile phone number and ring it right away. If they don’t give you the number, they are a demon pretending to be a human. This hurts to know, but its only when you are willing to give up your voice that you have hope of getting right with God.

Having a demon pretend to be the Holy Spirit and tell you lies and direct you to do things that you assume are God telling you to do.

When Jesus or God is speaking to you, in many cases it is NOT Jesus or God. On many occasions it is a false spirit.

On these occasions you can test the spirit according to 1 John 4:2 by asking, “Are you Jesus Christ who came to earth in the flesh and dwelt among men and died for their sins and on the third day came back to life?”

If the spirit answers yes, then you have Jesus and you can speak and trust the spirit. If you get no answer or anything but a yes don’t listen to the spirit. I have two people that have told me this, and this test is from 1 John in the Bible, and I trust it. So go ahead and test the spirits.

The false Jesus, or false Holy Spirit has got me into a lot of trouble. It has been the source of a lot of my delusions and my manic behaviour and many things that have got me in trouble with the law. I test the spirits these days before I go ahead. Satan is very upset that I am not having many two way conversations with Jesus these days as he is not getting the opportunity to deceive me.

Many Christians never really hear the clear voice of Jesus or the Holy Spirit yet Jesus says quite clearly in scripture, “My sheep hear my voice and they follow me.”

After reading this you may be all freaked out and wondering how on one hand I can write a prophecy or prophesy to a person in the flesh or over the Internet and on the other hand be so honest on how many times I have been deceived.

I know Christians who will never step out in the gift of prophecy simply because they do not want to get the false Jesus on the line. They are willing not to hear from Jesus all their life so that they won’t be deceived. Most people have no idea about testing the spirits.

Staying up for three days and three nights without sleep.

I try not to do this too often, but I have to say I do enjoy doing it. To be able to stay up for two days is a gift I have that my mental illness allows me to have. It forces me into a mania a “high”. After a day and a half I can get quite emotional.

Sometimes when I am on the phone to my mother and I start crying she is able to tell I am “High” and often asks if I have been sleeping. This is answered with the truth and it makes my mother worry.

To be able to stay up all this time, a person has to be busy doing something. You can’t just lay on a sofa and close your eyes and relax or you are soon asleep. You have to be able to be talking or writing or watching TV or something.

The longer I am up the more creative I am. Sometimes I spend a whole night up and I write five of my articles in a day and a half. Sometimes it’s taken me three hours to write part one and down to here in part two. It’s 3am in the morning and I will stay up all night and today and go to sleep tonight.

Jesus spent a lot of time up. Sometimes He went all day and all night up. The less sleep He had the more on fire He was because He had spent more time with His Father.

Sleeping for two days straight.

I used to fall into a major depression once a year and now it seems every few weeks I have a cycle where I simply can’t get out of bed. I sleep forever and even around 3pm in the afternoon when I get up, unless I am busy I end up going back to bed I am so tired.

Well three days like this and all the sleep pulls me into a depression. This is very hard on me. I have just suffered a whole week like it and it is very tiresome. This week I simply felt so overwhelmed and overtaken by my illness that I thought of giving up. My prayer life has suffered my Bible reading has suffered. The more I don’t pray and the more I don’t spend time in the Word the less spiritual strength I have to fight.

If you have a loved one who sleeps a lot. Please accept this is not because they are lazy. Right now I could be sleeping, but I am up trying to fight this depression and having a creative night that might do a few people some good.

Mental illness can be such a struggle. A few weeks ago everything seemed rosy in my life. This last week in depression has sent me on a bender. If I was a drunk I would have really picked up the bottle. I know Satan hates the fact that I have given up the sex workers and is trying to bury me, but I have bought myself some St Johns Wort and I know that if I have to fight this with chemicals within a few weeks St Johns Wort will be winning the battle.

I love Jesus so very much. All night He has been playing me songs on the radio and singing to me and encouraging me. So even though sometimes I get stuck in bed for days, I know when the Holy Spirit inspires me I can stay up all night and write something like this article, The Christian faith, Bipolar disorder and Schizophrenia.

Being so depressed you can’t even wash clothes, shower, shave or cook for yourself…

It’s been two days since I have showered, I have almost run out of clothes, I have a weeks growth on my cheeks. I have no food in the house save breakfast cereal of which I have been eating.

In the past week I have only been up at the most, six hours a day and at the beginning of the week it took of all my mental strength not to ring all of my appointments this week and cancel them all, I simply could not be bothered to keep them.

After I finish this I have promised myself I am going to treat myself to a shower and a shave and to change into my last pair of clean clothes. I have loaded the washing machine and when the time is right about 7am I am going to put the washer on and by the time my case worker comes at 10 am the clothes should be hung out to dry.

Depression just locks you down. It kind of just shuts down your system. And just when you need friends you sort of shut yourself up from your friends and close your self off to others. That’s if you have many friends anyway. I am fortunate that I need to be in touch with my proofreader as we speak at least a couple of times a week.

It hurts so much being depressed. But because the hurt can’t be measured some people just can’t seem to understand it. For a person that has had mental illness for fourteen years I thought it would take something pretty big to shake me. But I have to say this past week has given me a shake, that it’s only scripture and the promises in the Bible that keeps my faith strong.

But I have to share with you, I am really scared. The first 30 articles might be a lot more upbeat then this one. But I have to tell you the truth. Satan hates people. He wants us to kill ourselves if he can achieve it. I am past looking for ways to kill myself but depression really scares me.

Take the time to pray for me and others who suffer with these illnesses. I hope part one and two gave you some insight.

Matthew shares his heart in these articles and can be found at You can read more of his articles at his link below.

If you want a copy of his upcoming book of articles which will have the first sixty of the articles on this web-site called “The Musings of a Mad Prophet” please contact Matthew via email so he can contact you around February 2007 to tell you of the progress of the book.

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One Response to “Christian Faith, Bipolar Disorder, and Schizophrenia; Part Two”
  1. M.Axel says:

    Satan knows how to intrigue poeople, sometimes many at a time… They call it rousing you… I prefer to have my feets on the ground.
    We are not all Gods , so we must find our way through the big confusion of life.
    I hope you enjoy your high !

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