Lessons Children and Teens Learn from Caregiving

 A quick search on your favorite search engine will certainly lead you to information and services for caregivers.  However, you will have to dig a little deeper to figure out how Alzheimer’s disease impacts teenagers and children who have parents, grandparents or other family members who are battling Alzheimer’s.

Children and teens tend to be resilient and creative.  Sometimes, they just need a little prompting and they can take over and figure things out.  One day, in frustration, I sat my mom and my son at the kitchen table, gave them both crayons and prayed for a moment of peace.  Well, it was one of the best days we’d had in a long time.  Mom really enjoyed coloring and my son thoroughly enjoyed helping her to select colors and decide what to draw.

Teenagers are interesting creatures.  Often, they are in their own world and seemingly oblivious to what is happening around them.  Yet, they desperately want to belong. They want to be part of something.  That’s why they often cling to their friends and their groups.  The interaction offers them a  sense of belonging.  When tough times come, they often withdraw because they are not sure what to do.  Just  a little prompting on your part can go a long way.

Children and teens can be helpful in the caregiving process.  It’s natural to want to shield them from what can be ugly  and painful at times.  However, sickness is a part of life.  You are teaching valuable life lessons by allowing them to be a part of the caregiving process.

My mom cared for several sick relatives in our home while I was growing up.  I don’t think she ever stopped to articulate these things as lessons, but here is what I learned:

• You only have one family.  Be kind to them and support them when they are down.
• Holding grudges is a waste of time.
• It is a blessing and an honor to care for a dying person.
• If you treat people well when they are alive, it makes the grief associated with losing them less complicated.
• Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity.
• Sick people are still people.
• Put other people first.
• Do the right thing.
• Encouraging children and teens to be part of the caregiving process helps them to become other-centered instead of self-centered.

The natural tendency is to protect and shield our children, yet, the lessons they learn from being appropriately exposed to hard times will teach lessons and values that will last literally a lifetime.  They may also transfer into your child’s attitude about caring for you when it is necessary.

Do you have children or teens? Are they actively involved in caregiving?  Share your experiences.

               

Dude, What’s Going On With Grandpa? Talking With Teens About Alzheimer’s Disease

Teenage years are already complicated ones.  Toss in a grandparent or close relative with Alzheimer’s disease and the issues of driving, varsity sports, the latest fashions, gadgets, acne, social websites, braces and of course, dating are suddenly not so bad to deal with after all. 

Parents tend to go for the extremes when it comes to talking with teens about Alzheimer’s disease. Either they say nothing and almost act like if they don’t mention it, then eventually grandpa will come back to himself.  Or, they burden the teen with all of the information at once AND expect the teen to grasp it and instantly become co-caregivers.  Family dynamics are different and teens are different.  There are also variables such as the teen’s relationship with the affected person; whether or not the affected person lives with or in close proximity to the teen and how the disease is manifesting itself.

Before we get to the suggestions, just a note or four about teenagers in general. 

(1)   Teenage years are charcterized by the need to gain independence.

(2)   Teenagers are smarter than we think they are.

(3)   Teenagers need you much more than you think they do.

(4)   Teenagers tend to think and feel w-a-y more deeply than they appear to.

With those notes tucked into your back pocket, let’s look at some ways that we can talk with teens and help them to navigate the difficult truth:  Grandpa has Alzheimer’s disease.

Your teenager has probably at least heard of Alzheimer’s disease. Explain that it is a disease of the brain.  It is not just getting older or having “senior moments.”  In short, the brain cells die slowly and grandpa will lose various abilities as different parts of his brain are impacted.  Encourage your teen to do her own research and learn about the disease, and possibly present her findings to the family.

Encourage your teen to explore and express his feelings (see #4).  Let him know that it’s okay to be sad, angry and confused.  Your teen may feel jealousy about the amount of time and attention that the affected person is getting. He may feel guilty for getting mad or frustrated. He definitely may feel embarrassed if grandpa is given to strange behaviors.

• The shared journal is a great idea. Take turns writing your thoughts and feelings about grandpa’s Alzheimer’s disease.  This exercise can open communication in other areas.
• Penny For Your Thoughts?  When things get rough, and the communication slows down, agree that one of you can give the other a penny. That signals that you will take some time to sit down, regroup and TALK about what you are feeling.

Be available and present for your teen (see #3).  You, no doubt are stretched.  However, it is really important that you take some time just for your teen, just the two of you.  Hit the mall, play a game, watch a movie, talk.  Just be there so that your teen feels supported and loved through the ups, downs and changes.

Ask your teen for help (see #1, #2).  Tell her what needs to be done and solicit her participation and engagement in the caregiving process.  If there is something specific that you need her to do, then ask, but you may also want to provide a list of things that she can do and encourage her to select the one or ones she is willing and able to do. That way, she understands that she needs to pitch in, but is allowed to select how she’ll help out.  You might also leave the question open ended and allow your teen to evaluate the situation and see how she might be able to help.

Help your teen maintain as much normalcy as possible. (this one covers notes 1-4).  Everything is changing - the family dynamics, grandpa, and your teen.  So, it’s important that, when practical, some things stay the same.  Help your teen to continue soccor, cheerleading, after school job, etc. These are good outlets for your teen to just be a teenager.   

There really is no formula.  The most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open and revisit these issues as time progresses.

               

Stress and Parents, Teenage Dilemmas

Contemporary society presents many circumstances that can encourage stress for teens. One of the chief potential stressors is often found right at home: parents.

That’s not to say parents cause teen stress. Even teens are self-responsible individuals, within the realm of actions open to them. And that’s the key to some of the sources of teen stress. They are sometimes given too much freedom, in other areas too little.

Setting a developing person adrift among the variety of choices available in modern, complex society is a near guarantee for stress. That reaction is fundamentally the result of a perceived, unresolvable conflict between “I must” and “I can’t”. In many cases, it is indeed true that the teen can’t.

No one could reasonably expect a fourteen year-old to know how to negotiate the maze of challenges the modern world offers without good guidance. Few are equipped by parents or nature to do so at that age. One isn’t born knowing how, for example, to earn money, raise babies and deal with adult life - and that knowledge is rarely attained by age fourteen.

But it’s also true that teens are not children. They are very self-aware, have complex systems of values and have some knowledge of the world. They have the ability to begin to exercise their powers independently. When that independence is stifled, opportunities to test guesses and solve problems is stunted.

The results of both these false alternatives - independence in the sense of being totally abandoned to one’s own devices, and lack of independence in not being allowed to make choices and deal with the consequences - will inevitably result in stress.

The former leaves the teen in the position of having to solve problems they simply aren’t ready to solve. The latter makes it extremely difficult for them to gain or expand their ability to solve them.

Teens will often implicitly recognize this when they complain to parents ‘You never let me have my way’, or, “I’m old enough to make my own decisions”. Some parents react dogmatically by declaring that they will make those decisions, others err on the other side by simply throwing off all restraint and allowing the teen to ’sink or swim’.

Knowing when to do one, when to do the other is every parent’s challenge. But the teen can help themselves and the parents out of this dilemma - and in the process save themselves much needless stress.

Just as they are not children, teens are not adults. But they can improve their situation by demonstrating the first and emulating the second. Paradoxically, voluntarily reaching for responsibility is one very effective way to minimize stress before it builds.

Though responsibility can lead to stress - if met with resentment or fear rather than confidence and persistence - it can also help build those skills needed to head off stress before it grows. When the responsibilities are those the teen is actually, with effort, able to handle the result is confidence building.

The surest way to decrease the stress that comes from fear of failure or of dealing with stubborn parents is to successfully tackle the challenges of school, home responsibilities and other hurdles. Sometimes that will require starting over after initial failure. Teens will learn practical knowledge from undertaking the challenge and build psychological strength from making the attempt.